Live You.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true.
 There is no one alive who is You-er than You.”

-Dr. Seuss

 

    Almost every letter, for the Trevor Project, that I write back to struggling and depressed LGBT youth, I conclude with this Dr. Seuss quote and a reminder to always stay true to who they are.  Why? Because I honestly believe that the gay community deserves more.  More originality.  More difference.  More honesty.  More meaning.  As I write and pour my heart out to LGBT youth I want them to fully realize, that they don't have to let gay culture define how they act, dress, or view love.  I wish to just give them hope and a reason to be unique in a world of conformity.

 

    Each time I go dancing or clubbing in the gayborhood, I always feel the need to write this, because I think to myself, perhaps one gay will read this and realize the importance of what I'm getting at.  You don't have to go gay clubbing to fit in being gay.  You don't have to go to pride if you personally hate parades.  You don't have to act feminine to be gay.  You don't have to dress in drag if it's not who you are.  You don't even have to look or dress gay at all.  What you have to do is stay true to you.  'Don't change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love you.'

 

   From the very first night that I hung out in the gayborhood and started to make gay friends, I never fit in.  I don't want to do drag.  I don't act feminine.  I want someone who likes who I am and what I stand for.  I don't want a one night stand.  See, I don't go gay clubbing to find a boyfriend, hook up with someone, kiss a guy or even dance with a guy.  I may be the only one with this honest and innocent ambition but I just love to dance.  I always have loved to dance (sadly it has been a secret for most of my life).  But as I look around at a gay club, my heart breaks a lot.  I see so many hurting and insecure individuals desperately wanting to feel more while making themselves so much less. 

 

     One of my good friends and I (yes, you know who you are, shhhh : P ) got to know each other through the similar feelings that we have toward the gay community.  He/she was reading through my blog, a while ago, where I wrote that I felt as though I was the only innocent gay in the gay community, and he/she felt that same way.  Why do we both feel like this?  Because we see what the gay community is all about and that's not what we want.  We each, deep down, know that this isn't what life's about.  We want more.  To us, it's not about looks.  It's not about sex.  It's not about drinking, partying and gay culture.  It's about making love mean so much more.

     Love to us is about devoting yourself entirely to someone.  Not cheating.  Not lying.  Not including others in the relationship, before or after marriage.  Love isn't something lived out in clubs, on dance floor or over drinks.  It's something lived out under the stars, cuddling while watching a movie and feeding each other dinner.  It's about creating those happy memories that you will never forget.  But behind all of this remains a scary truth.  Love is simply as meaningful or insignificant as we choose to make it. 

 

    And while I will never know the answer to the question, 'Does the gay community create the gay stereotype, or does the gay stereotype create the gay community?'  I want you to know that I want you to be an original.  I want you to show the people around you something different.  Something only you can.  Because there has never been anyone in the history of mankind quite like you.  Sometimes you have to cut out people from your life.  Sometimes you have to stay single even when your lonely.  Sometimes you have to step back from life and figure out exactly who you are and what you stand for.  But let me assure you, once you figure out who you are, staying true to that person is the most important thing you can do.  You owe it to yourself.   You deserve more.

And so I'll end this blog how I always end my Trevor Project letters,

I dare you to be different.
I dare you to proudly,

Live you.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true.
There is no one alive who is You-er than You.”

-Dr. Seuss
 

That's How I Became The Sea

     High and low.  Calm and placid.  Yet sometimes rough and jagged.  Rising and falling.  My life.  Throughout my days here on earth so far, these phrases seem to capture my feelings and daily routine.  But what I am really attempting to describe is the ocean.  That vast, gigantic seemingly endless stretch of salty goodness.  Bringing much joy to some while to others tragedy and despair.  But for me it will be my final resting place.  For one day I will become the sea.

     When I die, I do not want to be buried.  I do not want a tombstone where the few friends and family I have can come visit it and remember my resting place.  No sir, I want to be free.  I want to be cremated and spread into the ocean off of the Wildwood beaches in New Jersey.  Why?  Because this is where my fondest memories have been created.  Laughter with friends.  Strolls on the boardwalk.  Relaxing with family.  Writing while listening to the crashing waves.  Just as the ocean never will dry neither will what I stand for wither.

      I don't want to be remembered as someone who is dead.  For the idea that I lived for will forever be alive.  Love.  I want to be remembered by the love and the care that I showed to others around me.  I want to be remembered in the memories that I shared with those who knew me.  I don't want to be seen as dead.  For I will never die.  I live in the idea that I tried so hard (failing far too often) to center my life on.  And even after I die you will still be able to see me.  To feel me.  When someone helps out a stranger looking for nothing in return.  When an individual volunteers for a local food bank to help feed the hungry.  When students take time to tutor and bond with elementary kids.  When humans fight for equality.  Where ever love exists.  Love is not contained in a race, religion, age, gender, sexuality, personality, region on earth, for it has no bounds.  Where ever and when ever you see love, there I am also, if you look close enough.  That is what I live as.  Forever.

      I do not wish to be mourned.  I do not wish to be missed.  I just want anyone who knew me to keep me alive.  In the memories that we created together.  And in the love that exhibited.

Through death, an ocean of life I will become.  

For, I will forever live in an idea.  

Love.

       

A World of Difference

It starts with pain

Followed by hate

Fueled by the endless questions

No one can answer

A stain

Covers your heart

Tears you apart just like a sleeping cancer

Now I don't believe men are born to be killers

I don't believe that this world can't be saved

How did you get here and when did it start

An innocent child with a thorn in his heart

What kind of world do we live in

Where love is divided by hate

Losing control of our feelings

We all must be dreaming this life away

In a world so cold

-12 Stones

A few days ago I cried.  I never cry.  I don't know why.  I'm not saying that because i'm trying to be 'strong' or 'manly' or anything.  I hardly claim that for obvious reasons.  I just honestly never cry.  The pain that I went through in middle school and high school has scarred me for life.  Calloused me to the point where pain is something that I can barely feel. But a few days ago I cried.

I thought about this world.  I closed my eyes.  I could feel life.  And it hurt so badly.  Tears dripped from my face as I truly felt the emotion of others around the world.  The joy of birth followed by the grieving of the dead.  The sheer happiness of marriage interrupted by arguments and divorce, or being unable to marry at all.  The sounds of laughter of children enjoying each others friendship with the sound of bullying, peer rejection and crying.  The loving sacrifice of a friend met with the sounds of screams and gunshots.  The comfort of being accepted and loved contrasting with the pain of rejection, prejudice and stereotypes.  The glimmer of hope and change of the future, with the sight of  a noose and a limp body.  The fragility of life met with the attitudes of being indestructible and timeless.  The fakeness and masks that we each put on in life through socical expectations against the streaming uncensored feelings of best friends.  The glamour and emptiness of riches along with the desperation and starved poor.  The proud full feeling of achievement with the anger and frustration of never being good enough.  The time, attention, and energy put into phones, the internet, and facebook while life rushes away like a retreating wave.  The endless pursuit of being more fit, prettier, tanner, compared with the self hate and disgust of looking into the mirror.  It was as if common sense is turned upside down.  Everything seems so backwards.  The good is met with the bad and the ugly. 

My heart breaks for people.  I just want everyone happy.  loved.  enjoying life to its fullest.  I would give my  life up in a heartbeat just to achieve that.  I watch the news.  I see how people treat each other in daily life.  Doesn't anyone realize how we are all on the same team?  Black, white, asian, latino, middle eastern, native american, etc, gay, straight, fat, skinny, tall, short, smart, dumb, poor, rich, ugly, beautiful, young, old.  It doesn't matter.  Death will claim each of us.  But we don't act like were on the same team.  We fight among-st ourselves.  We destroy friendships.  We strip away people's prides.  We tear down dreams.  We are out for ourselves.  To succeed.  To feel satisfied.  To pleasure ourselves.  To feel whole for once.  Complete.  At the cost of anyone or anything.  But in the end, for what?  That question will one day be answered by yourself to yourself.  There will be one moment in which you will find out.  Death.  Death favors no man.  We all will come face to face with it.  We all die alone.  It will be here before you know it or want it to be.  The flashing of your life before your eyes will reveal everything as it truly was.  It will strip away your thinking to its very core.  It will shed light where darkness lingers, as the sun bursting through clouds.  

One moment.  It may only be for a split second but your life will flash before you.  You will speed through your life.  You will remember the innocence of childhood.  playing outside.  youthfulness.  Specific memories will pop to the forefront.  The feeling of slowly stroking your husbands arm while he reads in bed.    The anxiety of when you had the accident and you thought you were dead.  The smell of your child after a bath.  The smile of your husband when coming down the aisle.  The taste of watermelon when you were a teenager at the beach.  Moments will rush at you.  Memories that you cherish.  Memories that were funny.  sad.  depressing.  lonely.  joyful.  All your regrets in life will flood your mind.  And you will realize something.  Your life in the end was not just about you at all.  It was about those around you.  We all live for ourselves.  So sure of ourselves.  That we know what is best for us and those around us.  Our religion.  Our way of thinking.  Our political views.  Our interests.  We live so sure of the life we live.  But when death comes, you will realize that your way of thinking was all a facade.  You were merely one prospective.  You believed the lie as I do.  It was smoke and mirrors.  A mirage. And while you can point fingers at society, family, friends, at the reasons you got distracted living what life is all about, in the end you will watch as your reasons become identical to your image.      

I have thought of ending my life before.  I mean honestly, more days than not this life just doesn't make sense.  Yes there is joy and happiness, met with just as much if not more pain and suffering.  In the end I will become dust.  I will have lived a life among billions of people.  A number.  A number never to be remembered.  A number that in the course of history is insignificant.  Sean Andrew Berger.  Shapes forming letters forming words representing a being.  A simple being attempting to figure this life out.  Is it worth living?  What difference can I make?  And in that question lies the answer.  The answer that keeps me going.

What difference can I make?  Difference.  Implying cause and effect.  Rock into water.  Ripples.  Wind through leaves.  Falling.  Streams through the ground. Canyons.  However small the cause, there will always be an effect.  And that effect continues on.  You may not see it.  You may not ever realize it.  But I would only be fooling myself to say that my living does not make a difference (whether positive or negative) on those around me.  Yours is the same.  Walking down a street.  Meeting the eye of a random stranger and smiling.  Saying Hello.  Simple.  That same stranger was having a bad day, fired from work.  But that stranger saw something in your eye.  Something that he/she wanted.  A positive attitude.  A better day.  Something to live for.  Something to live toward.  Hope.  That glimmer in your eye.  The wrinkles around your face when smiling, can make the very difference that someone needs.  That stranger goes home to his wife.  She forgot to pick up the few items that he asked for earlier in the day.  The usual reaction of arguing, blaming was changed to a 'that's alright' A joke.  I don't need clean clothes anyway, because I smell so bad anyway.  The wife laughing.  The stranger being optimistic about getting through the firing.  Talking it out.  Embracing.  Then the wife while on the phone with her friend later got blamed, and instead of the usual bringing out former issues, she.... You get the point.  One action leads to another.  Your interaction with others leaves a lasting imprint.  What difference can I make?  A world of difference.  One person.  One moment at a time.

My eyes still shut.  Water beginning to dry on my face.  Eventually, I couldn't think about the world in its destructiveness anymore, my tears came to an end.  My eyes opened to the world.  And it all became clear.  Pain.  Hurt.  Suffering.  Sadness.  Depression.  Suicide.  War.  Murder.  Injustice.  Emptiness.  Tears.  Arguing.  All across the globe.  These have all been created by us.  Humans.  Which means one thing.  We are the problem.  I am the problem.  If we and I create this, then we are also capable of creating something entirely different.  Eternally beautiful.  Inspiring.  Intriguing.  Meaningful.  Happiness.  Peace.  Joy.  Satisfaction.  Laughter.  Smiles.  Out of those exact situations that could cause only pain.  Where there is pain there can be healing.  Where there is war there can be peace.  Where there are tears, there can be smiles.  Where there is arguing there can be reconciliation.  Where there is depression there can be happiness.  Where there is injustice there can be fairness.  Where there is hate there can be love.  Choices.  Choices that we make that influence these outcomes.  It is I against I.  It is You against You.  That is where the real battle lies.  

I shut my eyes again for just a brief moment and I saw my life.  Not my past.  My regrets and 22 years seemed to rush by me as if unimportant.  The past is dead and gone.  Buried.  The future remains uncharted.  The future remains an open book.  The future remains in my control.  I can be apart of the solution.  Each moment is a chance to make the world a better place.  I can be different.  I can give people hope.  I can have a positive attitude and a fresh new ways to approach problems.  I can give people a new way to look at life.  Instead of being that pain.  hurt.  suffering I can be that joy.  laughter. and smiles for others around me.  Joking. Laughing.  Loving.  Helping to heal problems.  Doing the right thing just to do the right thing.  Becoming a person that others can learn from.  By which others can become inspired by.  And yet humble.  Knowing that I am but a mere number attempting to make the world just a little bit better than before.  That my trail behind me has been worth it.   

So join me in forging the trails of the future.  I know it sounds pretty ambitious but you and I will have an eternal impact on this world.  Whether or not you want to admit it.  It's easier to live for yourself.  It's easier to complain.  It's easier to hate.  It's easier to blame.  It's easier to create a war.  It's easier to give up.  For once let's do the hard thing.  We are in this together.  I am here for you as I need you to be here for me.  I am fragile.  I am broken.  I am the problem.  But together we can be the solution.  Each moment is an opportunity.  An opportunity to make a difference.  An opportunity to love.  An opportunity to create smiles.  An opportunity to create happiness.  An opportunity awaiting your choice.  An opportunity begging your presence.  What difference can you make?  A world of difference.  One person.  One moment at a time. Just One.

When I think of what could be

If we let our hearts believe

That it takes just one

Just one could turn this all around

And if we're living history

How will they think of you and me

If it takes just one, just one

What if, what if, what if I'm the one?

It takes one, takes one, one

(What if you're the one)

It takes one, takes one, one

It takes one, takes one

(What if I'm the one)

-Brandon Heath

When the Pieces Fall...

Life is not a game.

Duh?  Everyone knows that.  Then why do we not live like we know this?  Why do we go about our day as if today is going to last for eternity and that everything is right ole' jolly.  Am I being a debbie downer?  I would have to bias-ly say no. To me, I am being realistic.  You want to see pain?  You want to see poverty?  You want to see those in need?  Probably not.  If your like me, you skirt those issues to the side.  We are all too busy to concern ourselves with other's issues.  I mean c'mon If I don't figure out what the latest song is before anyone else figures out, and if I don't have the latest nike kicks, then can I really show my face in public?  

We sell ourselves so short.  And yet we wonder why this world is so cold.  It starts with you.  It starts with me.  Doing the little things.  Helping those who will see you as a hero.  Life can be beautiful.  filling.  so alive.   It hit me today.  I took some time just to look back at some of the major gay suicides in the last two years...13 year olds, 14 year olds,  18 year olds, 19 year olds....etc.  Dead.  Gone.  Lives cut short.  Hearts broken.  And yet there memories live on.  I realize right now in life that I am tired of making life all about me.  Finding my boyfriend.  Getting my clothes.  my technology.  Personal success.  No one does what I want to do.  No one is different.  No one breaks the mold.  Welcome to my motivation to do just that.  There is so much more to this life.  Although hundreds of LGBT youth have committed suicide, I vow to keep living for them.  I will think of them daily.

I'll be very honest.  Suicide has been constantly on my mind throughout my life.  If you know me, then you know how close I have been to ending my life, But what keeps me going are these individuals.  I feel as though I know each one of them, reading about their lives.  I feel as though we are friends.  I can sense them.  See them.  They are anything but dead. They live in me.  And I know they live in countless other people that they have touched.  As Coldplay says, "those who are dead, are not dead, they're just living in my head"  One never dies until there is no one to keep them alive inside.  I promise to keep these individuals alive.  I will do whatever it takes.  If you need someone to talk to, try me.  I am real.  See for yourself.  I will discuss my faults.  I bleed.  I am different than most because I believe with all my heart the need to be what the world needs, not what the world asks for.  

Life isn't just about sex.  It's not just about security.  It's not just about a boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife.  It's not just about kids.  It's not just about getting cars, houses, boats, technology, fashion.  It's not just about sports.  It's not just about partying.  We are at war.  At war for our brothers and sisters around us.  We are in this together.  When did we start creating enemies and inferiority views in exchange for a fake sense of pride and self worth?  When did we stop caring but for our friends?  Our friends are our neighbors.  Our neighbors are everyone we interact with.  Start something.  Each moment is a new beginning.  Pay it forward.  Contagiously love those around you.  Ask yourself this, is it tougher to pick on someone or to stand up for someone?  Toughness defined by our culture is but a mask.  A mask simply hiding the truth.  That deep down we have a need.  A need for love.  To be cared for.  To enjoy friendships.  Relationships.  Family.  I admit this.  Love everyone and everything around you.  As many beings as you can.  Time is slipping away.  Don't wait.  Now is not too late.  You could just save a life.  

Life is not a game.

So stop playing.  Love. 

Moments

'Life's all about moments, of impact and how they changes our lives forever.' -Leo from THE VOW

Life is all about moments.  Each one as important as the last even though we might not always treat them equally.  Wedding day.  High School Graduation.  Birthdays.  Funerals.  Births.  Some we put some extra weight on than others for good reason.  But I think it's safe to say in today's culture we don't take the time to stop and enjoy the moments along the way, yet we focus on just the highs and the lows of the roller coaster of life.  

"This moment contains all moments." -C.S. Lewis

Nothing is worth more than this moment.  Wisking all of your past problems away.  Now is what it is.  Take it or leave it.  The future is determined by the moment right now.  The past as brought your to this very moment.  This moment contains all of your moments.  It's the choices that you make and the actions that you take that will create the very essence of who you are.  Life is like a mosaic.  Each individual part is unique.  Each individual part is beautiful in it's own way.  But when you take a step back and look at the entire piece you get to see how each individual part is a part of something larger.  Each point is critical and needed for the whole piece.

"As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do." -Zachary Scott

There is no better time to become who you want to become than now.  Not tomorrow but this very moment.  So many plans and dreams are put off.  So many have excuses that have been made up.  But if you want to get there it starts with now.  Someday when you look back on your life you won't regret taking risks.  You won't regret trying new things.  You will wished that you had done more.  Lived to it's fullest.  Put yourself out there and given it your all.  Trying new things.  Acting dumb.  Getting in trouble.  The things that you didn't do is what you are going to regret.  But.  Now that you've realized this and know this now, you can do something about it.  You can do the things that you always wished that you could so that you don't have to live with as many regrets in the future.  It's such a simple yet hard achievement.  

"Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day dragging by day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways." -Stephen Vincent Benet

Each moment is an opportunity.  It's a new start.  It's the beginning of the rest of your life.  But it is up to you to do something with.  Opportunity may be knocking at your door but you still have to get up out of your seat and answer it.  Living your life to it's fullest is about living each and every second.  Life doesn't get destroyed at death but by what you have put into what life you had.  

Pick one of the following songs:

Breathe Me (instrumental) -SIA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AWM4-92Jes

OR

Last Night I Heard Everything in Slow Motion - Oliver Tank

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZnqxoGNoHo

Alright now close your eyes and just rewind your life.  Stop at some huge moments of impact.  The ones that you vividly remember.  Probably because you either want to experience them again or you never want to ever have to again.  Maybe it's a first date of a special someone.  Maybe it's when a loved one died.  Maybe it's when you scored your first soccer goal.  Maybe it's when you graduated.  Picture your life up until this very moment as if it were recorded on a dvd.  Rewind.  Fast forward.  Play those memories that you cherish over again.  Do you remember going to the beach as a kid?  All the friends you had in elementary school.  All the trouble you got into in middle school.  All the rough times where the waves of life were all around you.  Now open your eyes.  Because all of that brought you this.  This one simple magnificent moment.  

It's all yours.


What are you going to do with it?

Fight

Get ready to hate me.  For what?  You’ll see.  Lol.  Think about your life for a second.  No really.  I mean put down your smartphone.  Turn off the music.  Minimize that facebook link.  Yes and leave it down there : P Think about where you have been and what you have been through in life.  Everything.  The details.  The laughs.  The fun.  The mistakes.  The cries.  The pain.  Can we agree on one thing?   Life can be a bitch just as much as it can be a pure joy.  See we usually look at life through Hollywood eyes and behind designer shades.  We want our life to play out as we script it.  But that’s not how it works.  You and I know this all too well.  It sometimes means not getting that dream job.  It sometimes means not having the perfect partner.  It sometimes means modifying our goals.  It sometimes means heartbreak.  Desperation.  Confusion.  Depression.  Simply, we don’t know what’s coming up next.  What’s just around that corner.  What’s waiting for us when we get through this tunnel.  What’s on the other side of this mountain we are climbing.  Maybe Forrest Gump says it best, “My mama always said life was like a box a chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get."  -(Forrest Gump, 1994)

Look you may not know what is coming around the corner.  The future.  Unless of course your some type of psychic or fortune teller.  And at best a fraud : P yes I said it.  For maybe we aren’t meant to know the future.  Maybe the future shouldn’t have the power it does.  The here and now should.  Maybe we are so set to make our dreams a reality and to become a perfect person that we overlook what life is simply all about.  You hold much power.  Power that doesn’t depend on what the future brings.  Power that you have been dealt with to take care of and look out for.  And we all know that with great power comes great responsibility.  You have this responsibility.  This power.  Power over who?  Or what?  You ask?  You.  Simple as that.

What do you control?  Hmm….Thoughts.  Choices.  Reactions.  To each is guilty of his/her own.. It’s not what happens it’s what you do with it.  You get dealt cards.  Some get dealt easier hands.  But  how are you going to play them to the best of your ability?  Your mindset is everything.  Everything begins in the mind.  And by setting your mind right, you can be limitless.  Your mind, soul and body is far more powerful than you believe.  You can unlock worlds that are all around you that you can’t even see.  You can’t even begin to believe until though you let go of the boundaries you set for yourself.  (and no I don’t take drugs).  There is a catch and reality though to this fantasy talk of a great future.  It will Rain.  In fact I promise you that in your life it will pour.  The seas will get rough and the waves will crash ashore.  The ground will shake and the buildings of ideals and icons all around you will come crashing to the ground.  Take a look at what Morgan Freedman said in Se7en.     

“I didn't say I was different or better. I'm not. Hell, I sympathize; I sympathize completely. Apathy is the solution. I mean, it's easier to lose yourself in drugs than it is to cope with life. It's easier to steal what you want than it is to earn it. It's easier to beat a child than it is to raise it. Hell, love costs: it takes effort and work.” – William Somerset (se7en, 1995)

     I need you to realize something.  It’s life changing if you let it.  But again you hold this key.  It’s not a new idea.  It’s one we all know deep down.  Sometimes being strong means being weak.  Sometimes winning involves defeat.  This will take every bit of you to wrap your mind around because honestly I haven’t started to tap this truth.  Simply always do the hard thing.  Why?  I don’t know.   I will be real with you.  I don’t.  Honest to God.  But it is what you owe yourself.   It’s true.  You are a unique and awesome individual in this world.  You were born just the way you are.  Perfectly you.  You deserve to treat yourself so much better than what our world teaches us.  For it’s easier to have sex with hoes and hookup than wait for true love.  It’s easier to drink away your problems rather than to solve them.  It’s easier to raise your fist rather than turning the other cheek.  It’s easier to distract yourself with your phone, your video games, your parties, your ipad than to face it.  It’s easier to have millions of digital friends than to have a few close and real friendships.  It’s easier to let issues in the family fade to grudges rather than to sit down and talk things out.  It’s easier to make excuses than to just do it.  It’s easier to let life fly by then to slow it down and savor it.  It’s easier to be someone you aren’t rather than who you are meant to be.  It’s easier to think life is all about yourself than to see that the best gift to yourself is in loving others.  It’s simply easier to walk than to run in life.  Life takes effort.  Life takes work. 

     I need you to promise me something.  Yea I say need a lot.  Not because I’m commanding you (and I don’t want you to take any of my writings or words as truth but to decide and test them for yourself) but because I love you.  Here is what my heart bleeds to you and I hope that you realize it’s truth.  Test me.

“But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may not meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you: I love you. With all my heart. I love you.” –Valerie’s letter (V for Vendetta, 2006)

     For although I may not know you personally I care about you completely. Every inch of my mind, body and soul.  Why?  Because you are you.  And that’s how I want you.  That’s who you were made to be.  You and I live in a cold world.  A world of prejudice, suffering, indifference, tolerance yet not promotion, and darkness.  The very least that I can do for you is to love you solely for who you are.  

So back to what I was saying I need you to do.  I need you to never give up.  Hold on.  I don’t care if you are hanging by a fingernail on the edge of the grand canyon.  Hold on.  For as you may be hanging by a thread now, strength will come back.  Times will get better and soon you will find your index finger, then hand, then arm supporting yourself until eventually you stand again, hands raised rocky style.  Times may be tough now.  If not then they will get tough.  And I need you to do one thing.  Hang on.  I don’t care.  Make up some reason.  Make up that your prince charming will come save you.  Make up that your dreams will come true.  Lie to yourself to get yourself by.  I do it.  You do it.  Whether or not you admit it.  Take it from Teddy from Memento (2000), “So you lie to yourself to be happy. There's nothing wrong with that. We all do it.”  Whatever you need to get by, grab it.  For you are made for much more than hanging on and surviving.   

You are made to live.  To enjoy and experience every detail of life.  And to radiate love and yourself to all.  So first off I need you to never give up.  The second thing I need you to do is do the hard thing.  We all do not control what cards we are dealt but what we choices and actions we do with them.  Cheating is easier.  Not playing the game is easier.  But you weren’t made to take the easy way out.  Like Morgan Freedman said, life is work.  Life is effort.  There are shortcuts and easy ways of nearly any situation.  But you have what it takes.  What I want for you.  What you honestly need for yourself is described in one word.  ‘Integrity’.  It’s what separates those who truly live and those who survive.  “Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us. And within that inch, we are free.” –Valerie’s Letter (V for Vendetta, 2006).    

"Who Honors those we love for the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us...and at the same time sings that we'll never die? Who teaches us what's real...and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us...and who holds the key that can set us free? It's you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!"-Sweet Pea (Suckerpunch, 2011)

You.  You have everything you need.  It’s right inside you.  I fucking know how stupid and elementary this sounds.  Inspirational bullshit right? but I’ll tell you I honestly don’t know what more to say.  I want to help people.  I get upset when I write because I’m not another inspirational writer.  I just want you to realize what you already know.  We all need to be reminded.  We all need to be rejuvenated.  The fight of life is not you against the world.  It’s not you against your situation.  It’s not you against any individual or topic this life can throw at you.  It’s simply you against you.  For if you conquer yourself, all other issues are all but defeated.  You make life what it is.  For it’s not what life throws at you.  It’s how you react.  It’s not about what life throws at you.  It’s about if you fight to do the hard thing.  It’s not about what life throws at you.  It’s about keeping that very last inch of us.  The thing that deep down we really only have.  Behind the makeup.  The muscles.  The stylish clothes.  The phony masks we wear. There is but an inch that we sell for little but is all we have.  The very last inch of us.  Integrity.

You have all the weapons you need.  Now Fight!

Will.

Who am I?  Three words.  Simple yet so complex.  I am Sean Andrew Berger.  I am flesh.  I am bones.  I am the combination of millions of cells and the unity of amino acids. Maybe so but who am I really?  Is it my looks?  I’m 5’8”, sport a Mohawk, am pretty athletic, and have brown eyes.   Is it my interests?  I love hockey.  I love the weather.  I love clubbing and dancing.  I love psychological thriller movies.  I love subway.  Is it my personality?  I’m more reserved.  I’m pretty funny (or so I have myself convinced).  I am sarcastic.  Is it my character?  I work hard.  I am loyal.  I am loving and caring.  What truly defines what a person is?  Surely I am the combination of all of the above yet for me that is just the shell of who I am.  That is just the first stroke on the easel.  That is just scratching the very surface of what I am capable of. 

“A man is just flesh and blood, and can be ignored or destroyed.  But as a symbol…as a symbol, I can be incorruptible, everlasting.”  Strong words from an up and coming superhero, Bruce Wayne in Batman Begins, but ones that are also very wise.  If who I am is just my personality, character, biological body, and interests then I am nothing more than like leaves on a tree destined to wither, decompose, and be forgotten.  I am something more.  Something that has both long preceded me and will also outlast me infinitely.  An idea.  “A man can fail. He can be caught, he can be killed and forgotten, but 400 years later, an idea can still change the world. I've witnessed firsthand the power of ideas, I've seen people kill in the name of them, and die defending them... but you cannot kiss an idea, cannot touch it, or hold it... ideas do not bleed, they do not feel pain, they do not love.”* Ideas are immortal.  Forever.  Everlasting.  Who am I?  Yes a work in progress but I am an idea.  This idea defines who I am. 

Let me be very honest first of all.  This idea is not a new one.  Nothing that I have to say is something that society or humanity has not been told a thousand times over about.  But what I have to say is something the world can never hear enough of.  To be reminded of.  To be re-energized about.  This idea is simple.  Seen by billions of eyes.   Felt in everyone’s heart.  Yet it takes a lifetime to possibly master.  This idea changes lives.  Feeds the poor.  Turns enemies into friends.  Gives life to the hopeless.  This idea promotes equality abroad.  Breaks barriers.  Changes the future.  Shelters the homeless.  Heals the broken.  This idea lives in me.  This idea lives in you. The idea that I advocate is just four measly letters.  Love.

            Agape.  Love cannot be defined.  There is no lovely definition with a bow as love comes in many forms. But when you see it you know what it is.  It is a soldier taking a bullet for her comrade.  It is a Palestinian jumping in front of a suicide bomber to save an Israel.  It is a single mom working two jobs to provide for her children.  It’s when a middle school student stands up for a friend being bullied.  It’s a mother dying crouching over her baby in earthquake wreckage.  Love has never changed since the beginning of time but yet it shows up throughout history in different disguises.  Jesus.  Gandhi.  Mother Teresa.  All remembered for the idea that they believed in.  Died for.  They sacrificed for an idea that outlived themselves but yet would ultimately bring about change.  A better tomorrow.  A brighter future.  A future that can be brought about through the each of us.  But not without pain.      

Love is a sacrifice.  Love is real.  Love is life shattering.  Love isn’t for the faint of heart.  It takes guts.  If you enjoy taking the easy way out then stop reading.  Love is not for you.  If you enjoy hating, stereotyping, arguing and being self absorbed then a life of sacrifice is something you will never achieve.    For to choose a life of love and utmost reward, is also to choose one of utmost sacrifice.  ‘Sometimes when you lose, you win.’  You must see that life isn’t all about you, like we are preached at daily.  You must realize that your wants and needs are second to what is best for the community of humanity all around you.  You need to be ready to give everything up.  To be last.  To be looked at as crazy.  But only then will you fully be alive. 

“This is a true story, dates back to the British rule in India. The Pamban Bridge is situated in Tamil Nadu, India. At the entrance of the bridge you can see a picture of a weeping man holding some human body parts close to his chest.

This bridge was built during the British rule in India and it was constructed in such a way that the center portion of the bridge could be lifted with the help of huge wheels, so that ships could easily pass under the bridge. On the bridge, roads and rail tracks are laid for trains and other vehicles to pass.

A middle aged man was appointed to roll the wheels up and down when ships arrive. Once he saw a train slowly approaching, while he was pulling back the bridge after a ship quietly passed beneath. He had to pull back quickly or else there would be a fatal accident and thousands would have died.

At that time his 9 year old son came with lunch. When he saw his father struggling with the wheels, he kept the lunch box down and started helping him to roll the wheels to put the bridge back. Suddenly his son's finger got caught inside the wheel and he started crying out. At this time if the father tries to save his son, the bridge could not be put back on time. He had no other option but to ignore his son's cry. With all his strength he kept on rolling the wheels to down the bridge. As the wheels rolled on, his son slowly started slipping away into the huge machine.

Tears rolled down his father's cheeks, but he ignored his son's cry. If he tried to save him, the train will surely fall into the sea and thousands of people will die. Slowly the boy's whole body fell into the machine and his father could hear his bones breaking one by one, until with a loud sound, his head cracked.

The train with thousands of passengers slowly rolled on the rails, without knowing what had happened there.  Though this man performed his duty honestly he lost his only loving son. With extreme lamentation, he pulled out his son's body parts from the machine and held it close to his chest and cried bitterly.”**

            This is where I must stop writing and leave you to think for yourself.  For what I say is nothing more than what each of us already has embedded in our hearts.  We all know what love is.  We all know what it’s capabilities are.  Limitless. But each of us is faced with a choice.  A choice that will define who we are in the end.  To let this idea of love to be just that, an idea.  Or to make it something extraordinary beyond our own life.  “An idea that is developed and put into action is more important than an idea that exists only as an idea.”  Buddha said it perfectly.  Love is an idea.  But an idea is nothing and dead if it doesn’t produce action.  So join me.  Put your past behind you.  Put your wants and needs behind others’.  Rearrange your world starting with your thought process.  Your actions.  Your habits.  Your lifestyle.  Let love cloud your vision.  Let a life of sacrifice define who you are.  For one day, no one will remember ‘Sean Andrew Berger’.  Chances are no one will remember you.  But the world can always feel the effects of the idea of love that you lived for and passed on.  Can always feel the effects.  It’s now up to you to change the can to will…

*V for Vendetta, 2005

**http://juliejacobe.blogspot.com/2008/03/fathers-sacrifice-true-story.html